


That Sinking Feeling

by Mayclore



Category: Kantai Collection
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-02-27
Packaged: 2018-01-13 22:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1243681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayclore/pseuds/Mayclore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tenryuu has a hard time dealing with the aftermath of an ambush. She gets some guidance from an unexpected source - and a surprise from her own sister - to see her through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Sinking Feeling

It didn't go like we planned, you know? Never does. Sometimes it works out for the best – most of the time, to be fair to the Admiral and the others in my fleet.

But man, when it goes to shit, it  _really_  goes to shit. How bad could it be, you ask?

I'm heading back to the yard with Tatsuta's left arm in my hand.  _You tell me_.

And I'm gonna pass out before I get there. Chiyoda is freaking out and crying and  _fuck_ , I wish she'd shut up so my headache would go away...although it's probably going to soon anyway due to blood loss. Ugh, there she goes again. If she doesn't stop bitching about badly her sister is messed up I'm gonna—wait. No. That's mean. I want to cry about Tatsuta too, but I can't. Hibiki needs me to be strong. They all do. I'm the flagship.

I wish I weren't.

Everything's getting hazy. The only way I can make myself stay awake is to think about what happened. Heh, who am I kidding? We never really knew what hit us besides that  _Ru_ , and most of my time was spent making sure Hibiki and I dropped our torpedoes so we could get the hell out of there. Guess who ate the first enemy salvo?

I can't help but look at what's left of Tatsuta. You'd think I'd be sad, and I am, but I ain't sad because this is what I'm gonna bury. Oh no. I  _wish_  it were that simple.

My head is pounding and Chiyoda isn't helping matters. "Hey! We heard you the first time! Calm down!"

"Chitose-oneeeeeee!"

Damn it.

I may sail a thousand sorties after this, but I will never forget the look on Tatsuta's face when she took those sixteen inch shells. She  _smiled_. I know exactly what she was thinking, too: better me than you. No! Fuck you! It should have been me!

I glance down at her arm again. I'm gonna puke. I throw it in the water and almost hit Hibiki, who looks pretty pissed. "Sorry, kid." She mumbles something I can't hear.

We're out of danger now. I hope. I form us up line abreast and pray nothing else finds us. By the time we get back to the dock the sun is just starting to light up the eastern horizon. That's the last thing I notice before losing consciousness.

* * *

It hurts. This tells me I'm awake. I open my eyes and discover I'm in bed in the dock, bandaged up and alone.

No I'm not. She's there beside me.

"There you are. I was a bit worried."

"Tatsuta..." Agh, my head. I can't even sit up, it hurts so much. She puts a hand on my shoulder as I struggle to keep me down. "Let me up."

"No, no." As usual, she half-talks, half-sings. "You need your rest, Tenryuu-chan." It's like nothing has happened. She beams at me and taps the metal halo over her head. "I'm fine. Don't worry."

Yeah, I noticed. That's the damn problem. "When did you come to? Get home?"

Her brow furrows a little. "I'm not exactly sure. I returned about nine AM and asked where you were."

"Oh." Pain shoots up and down my left side. Burning. I can't help but wiggle around and grimace. "I guess the repair crew did the trick again."

Now she knows something's wrong and leans over next to me. "As always. You seem less than thrilled to see me, Tenryuu-chan."

"It ain't that, it's just..." I can't say it. It makes me look weak. But, damn, the thought hurts me worse than those shells did.

"Hmm." She has to know what I'm thinking. I see it in her eyes. For whatever reason, though, she doesn't press. "I'll let you sleep for a while. Nagato would like to speak with you later."

"What? Why?" She just waves a hand and walks out. "The hell."

Sleep isn't coming back either.  _Everything_  hurts. I can't move without wanting to scream, I can't lie still without my body throbbing. I can't do anything but stare at the ceiling and keep the tears at bay. "How much longer is this gonna happen to us?"

I've lost count already. Tatsuta and I, we've got some bad luck. I can't remember how many times I've seen her die. Or her me. She blows it off like it's nothing. I can't  _do_  that. What girl in their right mind ignores seeing their friend – their sister – get killed over and over again like it's nothing? I ask her. 'How do you do it?' I just get a weird little smile in reply every time.

Thinking is hard work, especially thinking about this, and it wears me out. It takes me an hour or so – and a painkiller – but I finally pass out.

* * *

By the time I wake up again it's afternoon. I hear Akatsuki and the kids running around outside. Sunlight pours in through the window. I still feel like shit, but at least I can sit up. I look to the left and suddenly realize Nagato is sitting there. She scares the hell out of me. "Gah! Learn to knock!"

Her smile is like a ghost. "Sorry. How are you?"

"Sore." I stare out the window as if that'll help me avoid what's coming. "What do ya want?"

"We need to talk about your, ah, recent string of sorties."

"Do we?" Still looking out the window. If I wish hard enough, maybe I'll become invisible. "What about 'em?"

"You've seen Tatsuta get injured a lot lately. Or worse."

I have never wanted to cry so much in my life. Instead, I give Nagato a sour look and clench my teeth. "No kidding."

She raises a hand and looks surprised. "I'm not trying to dredge up bad memories. All I'm here for is to lend an ear if you want to talk."

"How is that supposed to help?" Instantly, I know I've slipped up. She's never gonna leave now.

She tilts her head, frowns, and crosses her arms. Great. She's getting comfortable. "So it  _does_  bother you."

There's only one way through this, or out of it, or whatever, but it makes me wince. I can't hold the tears back any longer. "Of course it does! Why wouldn't it?!"

Nagato looks surprised, but she's smiling. "Mm. There we go. Feel better?"

"No, I don't feel-" Actually...maybe I do. I feel myself slump a bit and glance away. "Uh. Well?"

She crosses her arms again and puts on the 'disappointed parent' look. I hate that damn look. "You really can't keep this stuff bottled up, Tenryuu. It's not healthy, and further it affects your performance in battle."

"Yeah, yeah," I grumble, staring at my lap. Words beyond those just seem to get stuck in my throat.

"You're not the only one. I know exactly how you feel."

What the fuck? I snap my eyes up at her. "You have got to be kidding me. Battleships never get sunk. How would you know?"

Now she's wearing a huge grin. "Ah-ah, you forget who my sister is."

Takes me a minute to remember her name since we don't talk much. "Mutsu? What about her?"

"Do you realize how many times she's been blown up?" She suddenly looks like I feel. "I mean, yes, she always has equipment on board to prevent her loss, but it doesn't make watching her take hits any easier."

"Huh." I have to think about this for a while. "How did you handle it, then?"

"By crying like a schoolgirl." She laughs at the shocked look on my face. "Oh, Tenryuu, we all cry. Rather, we all  _should_  cry. Even Ashigara."

I bust out laughing, then screech in agony because that makes my ribs hurt like hell. It takes me a while to recover enough to speak again. "I'm not supposed to cry."

She scoffs at me and looks to the side. "Why? Afraid the other girls won't see you as tough anymore? Please. If you never cry, that just makes you soulless, not tough."

"Really?" I have to think about this one, too. "I never see Tatsuta cry about  _me_."

Nagato looks a little weird now. Nervous. She tugs at her metal collar and laughs. "I, uh, I think she might have  _other_  ways of working out her grief."

I nod a little. "Oh, yeah. Fair point. But she's so hard to talk to about this stuff."

"I bet. Best advice I can give you is to look at it another way; she's still alive. Look at it as a second chance. A lot of second chances. Not something to dread. Dying is just a part of war." She gets up and looks out the window. Her eyes seem sad. "I'm off. Get your rest. I'm sure we'll need you soon."

Good grief, I feel weird. Better, but weird. "Yeah. Thanks. Uh, don't tell the kids you saw me cry."

She gives me a wink from the doorway. "Never."

* * *

The next time I see my sister, she's bringing me curry. It's dark outside. The clock says it's almost two AM.

"I made this. I'm fairly certain it won't kill you."

"...great." Looking in the bowl, it's wet curry, covered in some sort of reddish sauce. Smells strange, but not bad. "Can I talk to you about something?"

She sits and watches me expectantly. "Certainly, once you start eating."

Oh boy. I try a spoonful of the stuff. Huh. Meaty. And actually pretty good. "Do you ever feel sad when I get killed?"

I have never seen a look like the one Tatsuta gets. It's like she wants to punch me in the face and weep all at the same time. Makes me edgy. "Of course I do."

"But I never see you  _look_ sad, ya know?"

"I take a practical view. Death is a part of what we do." She crosses her arms lightly and stares right past me. "And you know me. I'm not terribly emotional to begin with."

"Yeah, I know, but, how do you  _deal_  with it?" I have to ask this around a mouthful of curry.

"I take my pain and inflict it on the enemy."

Okay, I know she's not going to hurt me and I'm still scared to death at her tone. All I can do is chuckle anxiously and focus on my food. "I kinda guessed." Nagato's words come back. "I think I've been doing it wrong."

For once she looks concerned. At least as concerned as Tatsuta gets, I guess. "I didn't know you did it at all. I've never seen you weep."

"Trying to keep up appearances for the kids, maybe. For everyone. Tough girl Tenryuu gives zero fucks about anything." Why do I feel so embarrassed all of a sudden? "There's no shame in crying. I should have figured that out by now."

"Surely not. I do it."

"Y-you do?" There's no way she cries. I've heard her laugh, yeah – a noise which still haunts my dreams – but trying to picture her actually crying is impossible.

She hugs herself a little and stares at the floor. "When you get hurt. I try to hide it from you so you don't worry. I don't like seeing you get injured just as much as you don't like seeing me get injured. So I cry a little, then I let it make me angry for the next sortie."

"Wow." Tatsuta. Crying. The image is enough to dull my pain for a minute. "Hell, if you can cry, I can too."

"You need my example? How silly." She stands up and smiles at me. "I'll let you eat and sleep. The Admiral is about to send me out anyway."

That makes me perk with interest. "Oh? What's up?"

"We're going to find ourselves a  _Ru_. Nagato and Mutsu are coming along. I believe the former wishes to defend our honor."

I start laughing again, and again I wish I hadn't, but whatever. "What a sappy old battleship. Tell her I said to bring me back that bitch's head, if she can find it."

Tatsuta grins widely at my words from the doorway. "She will have to beat me to it."

Once she's gone, I finish off my curry and grumble at the aches. Now, though, those are the only pains bothering me. My mind is clear. This job may suck ass, but at least my sister lets it get to her too. Sometimes.

Somehow, that makes doing it a lot easier.


End file.
